The week is done. The house is asleep. And I should be too. But I feel a little off center for some reason. Not sure why. But lots of things seem to be in my head, but none is really that clear.
But I feel that I’m lot in control. Funny, huh? Why should I want to be in control. I know that I need to give control of my stuff, my life, over to Jesus completely. And I think I want to. But for some reason my feeling is that I’m not in control. Not necessarily “out of control” as in a bad way. But you know…
I feel that God’s called me to more than I’m producing. At times I think of the parable of the talents and wonder if I’ve burried mine or if I’ve just been playing around w/ mine instead of investing it and being bold w/ it. I can look back over my life and see countless opportunities God has given me, and the grace and mercy He’s shown me…but not sure if I’ve been the best steward of it all.
I think I could and shoud be much more productive w/ my job in youth ministry. I let time slip by and then get crunched to get things to happen on time. And I don’t prepare as well as I should for things. But on the surface, things don’t look to bad. And that’s dangerous. Now and then I wonder, is this the right job or calling for me? Usually I think yes, and have seen confirmation of that. But I think it actually is good to question and seek God’s will on those things from time to time.
But when doubts about various things begin to creep in at the late hours, then it will keep you awake. I just read on a Xanga that our worship leader for the youth group, a college student, might be quitting us to go to another church. It would be one he would go to worship instead of lead. How can you argue that one. It’s actually a church that I’d probably want to visit on my own. But they meet on Sunday nights, same as our youth group times. I’d checked them out online before I ever even thought of moving down here. But if he’s not going to be with us, then the dynamic of our Sunday nights is severly shifted. Not sure what that would mean. But I admit it worries me.
But I do know this. I do know that God desires me. He wants ME! And I sit in my bedroom floor typing that I desire Him as well. But I spend more time each week on Fantasy Sports than in prayer and the Word. How silly is that? How disgusting is that? I wish my days were like 36 hours long or I didn’t require sleep or that Jesus bought the house nextdoor to me and we could grill out together each night and then I could go sit in his living room and we’d play cards and He’d tell me about Himself. If some of those things happened, then it’d all be easier wouldn’t it?
But is easier the answer?
I also am a youth pastor and I vibe with so much of what you said. When a vital person in your ministry decides to leave, even for something good, everything changes. One of my sr. high guy small group leaders left last year to go intern at a camp for a year. The male aspect of the sr. high guys changed completely, but 8 months later I can now see how the change has been good and beneficial for the sr. high guys. So, be encouraged in that respect.
I completely respect your vulnerability and honesty here. Fortunately, I don’t have any reponsibilities on Sunday nights, so I sometimes go to another local church to worship during that time. I find that Sunday mornings are crazy with youth group, talking to parents and students, wondering where so-and-so was, thinking of who I need to talk to about whatever after church, etc. I probably hear the sermon only about half the time. So, for me to be able to take time by myself, attend an evening service at this other church where no one knows me, I don’t know them, I have no responsibilities or pressure, man I can relax and focus on worshipping our Lord. It’s energizing.
Know that I’ll pray for you today and hold you before the Lord as a fellow youth worker with the same passion and struggles as I have. God bless!